Was fucking insane.
I guess I never really took depression, cutting, or suicide seriously until I met hi one boy through Twitter. Very outgoing and kind. I liked him a lot from the start, especially since he wasn't a pothead and he actually seemed intellectual- until I found out his mental stability wasn't too... Sane.
I was supposed to meet up with this guy. Because if I didn't, I knew he'd be disappointed. I had already put the thought through his head so there was no turning back. But I wanted to turn back, especially since he lives far. I'd have to find $2.50 in change (which I'd probably have to steal), and take the bus for a half hour to get there. I don't even know where I'd be, because that area of Windsor is very foreign and, oddly enough, scary to me. But I thought "Man the fuck up, Katie. It's a bus ride." It really wasn't just the bus ride. It'd be the fact that I'd be going to a boys house behind my dad's back. I don't do that stuff. Ever.
Except today I did. With a different boy. He's nice, a little odd, but nice. And cute, incredibly cute. My best friend's friend. We were walking together. And he said "Let's turn in here." Of course, he was directing me to a very ghetto part of Windsor, but it was a part I was familiar with, and it was safe, so I didn't mind. And then in the next 5 seconds I realized why. Because he pulled out a blunt and started smoking it infront of me. I'd never even been in the same vicinity as someone else when they were smoking weed. But there it was happening. I don't know why it made me so unsettled, but it did.
And the next thing I knew I was at his house, playing with his dogs, eating watermelon and feeding the dogs cantaloupe. And it was great. He gave me Greek yogurt and his step mom told me I had pretty hair. I felt good.
I came home to my lovely mother who kept continously complimenting me on the top I was wearing. A floral tankj top that covered my chest nicely. Not revealing at all, and later at 9 she pointed it out to my dad who told me he didn't approve of my other tank tops and all this shit. Me being a sensitive little pussy, I cried.
To top it all off, my ex best friend texted me asking to hangout. Being the kind, but not to "push-overable", I said yes, but only so I could give her a piece of my mind in person. (I WILL PROBABLY PUSSY OUT).
I cried a lot today. I realized I was afraid of my dad.
I'm too tired to go on, and my eyes burn.
Wednesday, 31 July 2013
Sunday, 21 July 2013
Tired
I'm so tired of work. I can't stand it. I hate shifts later than 9. I should change my availability from 12 AM to 9 PM because seriously, it sucks dick.
The Color Run was really fun. I met some people and I got so yellow and.. it all just worked out so perfectly. Then I had to go to work and ughhh it was such a hassle. I work everyday this week except tomorrow, yay. But Wednesday I get to work with my mom, which is an early shift, which I don't mind. My best friend came back yesterday too, which I'm happy about, cause I missed her all week.
School is stressing me out. It hasn't even started but thinking about it just kils me. The fact that I'll have anthro, all three sciences, UNIVERSITY MATH (OMFG), history, and english makes me wanna cry. The only easy thing I'll have is English, because I love English. And then there's the fact that I fucking hate most of the people at my school...
I think when school starts back up I'm going to change my availability from 12 AM to 10 PM instead of 11 PM because that's just how much I hate working late shifts. And honestly, an hour difference isn't going to affect much, they can just give the shift to someone else.
There's so much I wanna say, but this isn't a diary. People could easily access this.. so ugh. I just need to relax, it's summer after all and I do work at McDonalds. It really isn't much of a challenge when you think about it, unless you work with a highly bad new guy who's actually not-so-new.
Anyways, thank god volunteering went well. Thank god it didn't rain either. And thank god I was in the yellow color zone, or else it would've been impossible to get cleaned up.
The Color Run was really fun. I met some people and I got so yellow and.. it all just worked out so perfectly. Then I had to go to work and ughhh it was such a hassle. I work everyday this week except tomorrow, yay. But Wednesday I get to work with my mom, which is an early shift, which I don't mind. My best friend came back yesterday too, which I'm happy about, cause I missed her all week.
School is stressing me out. It hasn't even started but thinking about it just kils me. The fact that I'll have anthro, all three sciences, UNIVERSITY MATH (OMFG), history, and english makes me wanna cry. The only easy thing I'll have is English, because I love English. And then there's the fact that I fucking hate most of the people at my school...
I think when school starts back up I'm going to change my availability from 12 AM to 10 PM instead of 11 PM because that's just how much I hate working late shifts. And honestly, an hour difference isn't going to affect much, they can just give the shift to someone else.
There's so much I wanna say, but this isn't a diary. People could easily access this.. so ugh. I just need to relax, it's summer after all and I do work at McDonalds. It really isn't much of a challenge when you think about it, unless you work with a highly bad new guy who's actually not-so-new.
Anyways, thank god volunteering went well. Thank god it didn't rain either. And thank god I was in the yellow color zone, or else it would've been impossible to get cleaned up.
Monday, 15 July 2013
Colour Run Preparation
Or *Color as they use.
But yes, I'm fucking excited over an event that has many different reviews. Some people say it's awful, that it is a sweaty, barely colourful, lame event that consisted of people getting in their way and an overall disorganized event. Others say it was the time of their lives and they enjoyed the music, etc. Well, I've been wanting to do something fun, so here's (hopefully) my chance. For the love of god, I hope it doesn't rain.
The only problem is, I work that day. Now I could get rid of my shift that day, but it's a 6 hour shift an I need money. I'd be out about $55 if I miss it. Although, participating in the Colour Run is free since I'm volunteering, but would normally be $45. Is it worth it? Perhaps. I already took to shifts this week, so why the fuck not? But if I can't, then it's game over.
Okay, not necessarily, cause I could just leave early and get picked up, but then I'd have to shower and get ready, which does take time. I don't fucking know. I've still got like 5 days to decide what the fuck I'm going to do.
Then there's the factor that even though the "colour" shit that were throwing is just dyed cornstarch and is apparently "washable", my clothes are still going to get dyed. I get a free shirt, so that's not a problem, but shoes and a pair of shorts are defs an important factor. I don't know why I'm talking about the small, unimportant stuff, but this blog is for me though so fuck you. My running shoes are white. My brother bought them for me for Christmas and they are my babies, so that's probably a no-no. I'll just buy $5 shorts from Stitches, and a cute bandana to wear from Ardenes and call it a day. The shoe situation will probably solve itself by Saturday. (I don't know, okay? But it will).
Hope my expectations aren't too high.
But yes, I'm fucking excited over an event that has many different reviews. Some people say it's awful, that it is a sweaty, barely colourful, lame event that consisted of people getting in their way and an overall disorganized event. Others say it was the time of their lives and they enjoyed the music, etc. Well, I've been wanting to do something fun, so here's (hopefully) my chance. For the love of god, I hope it doesn't rain.
The only problem is, I work that day. Now I could get rid of my shift that day, but it's a 6 hour shift an I need money. I'd be out about $55 if I miss it. Although, participating in the Colour Run is free since I'm volunteering, but would normally be $45. Is it worth it? Perhaps. I already took to shifts this week, so why the fuck not? But if I can't, then it's game over.
Okay, not necessarily, cause I could just leave early and get picked up, but then I'd have to shower and get ready, which does take time. I don't fucking know. I've still got like 5 days to decide what the fuck I'm going to do.
Then there's the factor that even though the "colour" shit that were throwing is just dyed cornstarch and is apparently "washable", my clothes are still going to get dyed. I get a free shirt, so that's not a problem, but shoes and a pair of shorts are defs an important factor. I don't know why I'm talking about the small, unimportant stuff, but this blog is for me though so fuck you. My running shoes are white. My brother bought them for me for Christmas and they are my babies, so that's probably a no-no. I'll just buy $5 shorts from Stitches, and a cute bandana to wear from Ardenes and call it a day. The shoe situation will probably solve itself by Saturday. (I don't know, okay? But it will).
Hope my expectations aren't too high.
Sunday, 14 July 2013
Birthday Struggles
I like birthdays.
I hate birthdays.
I love birthdays.
I despise birthdays.
Each year I have a different opinion on my birthday. Up until grade 8 I'd have 4-7 of my closest friends come over and go swimming and shit. But then I grew up. I just didn't want to do it anymore. My friends began hating each other, backstabbing each other, constantly talking shit. I couldn't take it. So it was over.
So basically, my birthday was great up until about age 12.
My 12th birthday was spent on a vacation with my mom, brother, aunt and two cousins. What I get was one "Happy birthday, Katie!", a melted cake from Meijer's, and... well, that's it.
13th birthday I got shaving cream (IS THAT A PRESENT?!), two books (I wasn't into reading yet), and a poster that was just way too childish, especially since i was at that age where I was transitioning from a little girl to a young adult.
14th birthday was not good either. All I got was a horribly shitty electric razor (never used, ended up throwing it away a year later, that's how much I despised it), two books (which was fanfuckingtastic since I love reading), and that's all I really remember. That was an odd year.
15th birthday was much better but much worse. Since my past birthdays were so shitty, I went WITH my mom to buy my presents. I got myself a sweater, a shirt, lip gloss, lipstick, two books, and a Hunger Games poster. And that satisfied me. But my dad MADE me apply to McDonald's, and me being the spoiled brat I am cried about it because I was not ready to work. And now, I love work. And I'm doing just fine.
As spoiled as this whole post seems, it actually was really disappointing for a little girl. But I certainly have grown up since then. This year I've decided all I want is an iPhone 5, which my dad already agreed to get. And he's willing to get it whenever I want it. However I feel if I don't get it on my birthday, it will seem like a disappointment. That's the thing that let me down; birthday's are made out to be the BEST THING IN THE WORLD! The most fantastic, special day, made just for you, but that was never what it really was. Maybe my expectations were and still are too high, but all I want is an iPhone 5, a cake, a balloon (LOL I'M SUCHA LITTLE GIRL) and some Arby's mozzarella sticks.
And a Tobuscus shirt from my brother of course (my brother THOUGHT he ordered me one last year but it never came, turns out he never actually paid for it).
I hate birthdays.
I love birthdays.
I despise birthdays.
Each year I have a different opinion on my birthday. Up until grade 8 I'd have 4-7 of my closest friends come over and go swimming and shit. But then I grew up. I just didn't want to do it anymore. My friends began hating each other, backstabbing each other, constantly talking shit. I couldn't take it. So it was over.
So basically, my birthday was great up until about age 12.
My 12th birthday was spent on a vacation with my mom, brother, aunt and two cousins. What I get was one "Happy birthday, Katie!", a melted cake from Meijer's, and... well, that's it.
13th birthday I got shaving cream (IS THAT A PRESENT?!), two books (I wasn't into reading yet), and a poster that was just way too childish, especially since i was at that age where I was transitioning from a little girl to a young adult.
14th birthday was not good either. All I got was a horribly shitty electric razor (never used, ended up throwing it away a year later, that's how much I despised it), two books (which was fanfuckingtastic since I love reading), and that's all I really remember. That was an odd year.
15th birthday was much better but much worse. Since my past birthdays were so shitty, I went WITH my mom to buy my presents. I got myself a sweater, a shirt, lip gloss, lipstick, two books, and a Hunger Games poster. And that satisfied me. But my dad MADE me apply to McDonald's, and me being the spoiled brat I am cried about it because I was not ready to work. And now, I love work. And I'm doing just fine.
As spoiled as this whole post seems, it actually was really disappointing for a little girl. But I certainly have grown up since then. This year I've decided all I want is an iPhone 5, which my dad already agreed to get. And he's willing to get it whenever I want it. However I feel if I don't get it on my birthday, it will seem like a disappointment. That's the thing that let me down; birthday's are made out to be the BEST THING IN THE WORLD! The most fantastic, special day, made just for you, but that was never what it really was. Maybe my expectations were and still are too high, but all I want is an iPhone 5, a cake, a balloon (LOL I'M SUCHA LITTLE GIRL) and some Arby's mozzarella sticks.
And a Tobuscus shirt from my brother of course (my brother THOUGHT he ordered me one last year but it never came, turns out he never actually paid for it).
Saturday, 13 July 2013
Missing The Past
Have you ever looked at an old photograph of yourself? I did today. It was the cutest photo. I immediately jsut started crying. I know; that sounds foolish, perhaps even pathetic, but I have a million reasons to want to be a little girl again.
My dad used to love me a lot more than he does now. He still loves me, but he knows I'm at the rebellious, mischievous stage in life. The things I do, he cannot control like he used to be able to.. which is actually quite sad. And I have done things behind his back that make me feel sick when I think about it.
Some times I wonder how a slutty girl can live with herself knowing she is disappointing her father, even if he doesn't know, do they have no guilty conscious? Do they not love their fathers? I know a girl in grade 9 who just throws her body around to guys and her parents think she's the sweetest.. how can they live like that? I wouldn't know. Because, honestly, I enjoy obeying my parents. My worst fear is disappointing my father.
I miss being a little girl, but I don't need to get stuck in the past. I need to focus on what's going on now. I just miss certain things.
My dad tucking me into bed.
My dad carrying me on his shoulders in the mall.
My dad doing my hair and nails.. Yes my dad did my hair and nails. He's more so the "mother" in my life. But my mother is a wonderful woman and I love her with all my heart.
When teens get angry they get frustrated and rebellious. "I'M MOVING OUT." Yeah right. As someone once said, do not make decisions when you're angry, and do not make promises when you are happy.
If being a slut or a smoker or a chronic drinker and partier pleases someone then FUCK GOOD FOR THEM. Unfortunately.. I'd rather keep clean and please people. "Would my past self approve of me?" "Would my dead grandparents approve of me?" Think about it.
I'm stuck in the past and it's effecting the future.
My dad used to love me a lot more than he does now. He still loves me, but he knows I'm at the rebellious, mischievous stage in life. The things I do, he cannot control like he used to be able to.. which is actually quite sad. And I have done things behind his back that make me feel sick when I think about it.
Some times I wonder how a slutty girl can live with herself knowing she is disappointing her father, even if he doesn't know, do they have no guilty conscious? Do they not love their fathers? I know a girl in grade 9 who just throws her body around to guys and her parents think she's the sweetest.. how can they live like that? I wouldn't know. Because, honestly, I enjoy obeying my parents. My worst fear is disappointing my father.
I miss being a little girl, but I don't need to get stuck in the past. I need to focus on what's going on now. I just miss certain things.
My dad tucking me into bed.
My dad carrying me on his shoulders in the mall.
My dad doing my hair and nails.. Yes my dad did my hair and nails. He's more so the "mother" in my life. But my mother is a wonderful woman and I love her with all my heart.
When teens get angry they get frustrated and rebellious. "I'M MOVING OUT." Yeah right. As someone once said, do not make decisions when you're angry, and do not make promises when you are happy.
If being a slut or a smoker or a chronic drinker and partier pleases someone then FUCK GOOD FOR THEM. Unfortunately.. I'd rather keep clean and please people. "Would my past self approve of me?" "Would my dead grandparents approve of me?" Think about it.
I'm stuck in the past and it's effecting the future.
Tuesday, 9 July 2013
Partying, Drugs & Sex
Are forbidden.
Drugs have never actually caught my curiosity. But that doesn't mean they don't affect me. My best friend (ex best friend I guess...), really wanted to try smoking weed. Whatever, go for it. I didn't care what she did until I realized how fucked up it made her. Everyone does it. Or has done it in high school, that's a common fact.
One night my dad got drunk. Not crazy drunk. He's a happy drinker, he gets really nice and opens up. Whenever he does get drunk, he feels the need to have a talk about marriage or car insurance or boys. Katie, I want you to save up enough money, so whenever you're ready to leave the Canadian asshole you marry, you can!
That's just one of the things he said. But anyways, I make lots of promises to him. Because I'm a daddy's girl and I love him. He said to me that night: never smoke weed. So, I promised I wouldn't, and I do not wanna break that promise. One of my biggest fears is disappointing my dad.
My dad is not overprotective. He let's me stay out late and go out anywhere I want. But when it comes to going to a party or a boys house, that's a big fucking no.
And then I convince him to let me go party. (I just go to a boys house anyways, I don't even do it often, not like I'm making out with him anyways, we usually just play video games).
He worries when I party. He worries about me doing drugs. And he worries about me having sex.
When I know people who gets high at least once a day, who have had sex with over 20 guys, and who party on a regular basis, getting drunk off their ass.
I don't know why teenagers feel the need to do this shit. I myself would rather just sleep in until 1:30 and then watch a movie like Pulp Fiction or The Aristocats. I've lost friends because of drugs and I've lost rtust because of parties. It's a big fucking mess. This is definitely the worst stage in life because I'm lost and don't know where to turn or who to turn to. The point of this entry wasn't even about my experiences but somehow it turned to that.
At least I won't be a stripper when I'm older.
Drugs have never actually caught my curiosity. But that doesn't mean they don't affect me. My best friend (ex best friend I guess...), really wanted to try smoking weed. Whatever, go for it. I didn't care what she did until I realized how fucked up it made her. Everyone does it. Or has done it in high school, that's a common fact.
One night my dad got drunk. Not crazy drunk. He's a happy drinker, he gets really nice and opens up. Whenever he does get drunk, he feels the need to have a talk about marriage or car insurance or boys. Katie, I want you to save up enough money, so whenever you're ready to leave the Canadian asshole you marry, you can!
That's just one of the things he said. But anyways, I make lots of promises to him. Because I'm a daddy's girl and I love him. He said to me that night: never smoke weed. So, I promised I wouldn't, and I do not wanna break that promise. One of my biggest fears is disappointing my dad.
My dad is not overprotective. He let's me stay out late and go out anywhere I want. But when it comes to going to a party or a boys house, that's a big fucking no.
And then I convince him to let me go party. (I just go to a boys house anyways, I don't even do it often, not like I'm making out with him anyways, we usually just play video games).
He worries when I party. He worries about me doing drugs. And he worries about me having sex.
When I know people who gets high at least once a day, who have had sex with over 20 guys, and who party on a regular basis, getting drunk off their ass.
I don't know why teenagers feel the need to do this shit. I myself would rather just sleep in until 1:30 and then watch a movie like Pulp Fiction or The Aristocats. I've lost friends because of drugs and I've lost rtust because of parties. It's a big fucking mess. This is definitely the worst stage in life because I'm lost and don't know where to turn or who to turn to. The point of this entry wasn't even about my experiences but somehow it turned to that.
At least I won't be a stripper when I'm older.
Monday, 8 July 2013
The Girl From Elementary School
She was my on again off again best friend. And she's the reason why I even started this blog in the first place, which I myself find incredibly stupid. I fucking hate her. With a passion. She claims she is bullied for no reason. Dear lord, there's a reason.
She goes swimming in front of guys with just a bra on, she sleeps with guys, she's probably had over 20 boyfriends. And yet, I still pity her. After reading about her pain I find myself.. Confused. My actions themselves confuse me, but at times I feel I need to be the bigger person and forget about the labels society puts on others.
So, I wanted to help her. And help her, I did.
After viewing her ask.fm account I realize this girl is tortured and bullied like there's no fucking tomorrow (but she knows it's her own fault). I felt bad. I grabbed my mother's Asus tablet and anonymously texted her. And I helped her. And then she said:
Well, the fact that she hates me will not sit well with her. Telling her WAS a big mistake. But I told her. Because I wanted to make amens.
I don't think we should talk anymore. Bye.Why did I think I could help this girl? Because she's a girl with a broken smile. And you should never watch someone suffer. No matter what they've done to you. Life is too short to hold grudges. I like enjoying life more than loathing it and the people who walk on it.
The saddest part is, I still do hate her. But if she ever wanted to be friends, I'm sure I'd cave in.
It's sad how people can go from being best friends to the worst of enemies. But I'm sure I'm better off without her anyways.
She goes swimming in front of guys with just a bra on, she sleeps with guys, she's probably had over 20 boyfriends. And yet, I still pity her. After reading about her pain I find myself.. Confused. My actions themselves confuse me, but at times I feel I need to be the bigger person and forget about the labels society puts on others.
So, I wanted to help her. And help her, I did.
After viewing her ask.fm account I realize this girl is tortured and bullied like there's no fucking tomorrow (but she knows it's her own fault). I felt bad. I grabbed my mother's Asus tablet and anonymously texted her. And I helped her. And then she said:
Tell me who you are.
Well, the fact that she hates me will not sit well with her. Telling her WAS a big mistake. But I told her. Because I wanted to make amens.
I don't think we should talk anymore. Bye.Why did I think I could help this girl? Because she's a girl with a broken smile. And you should never watch someone suffer. No matter what they've done to you. Life is too short to hold grudges. I like enjoying life more than loathing it and the people who walk on it.
The saddest part is, I still do hate her. But if she ever wanted to be friends, I'm sure I'd cave in.
It's sad how people can go from being best friends to the worst of enemies. But I'm sure I'm better off without her anyways.
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