Missing The Past

Have you ever looked at an old photograph of yourself? I did today. It was the cutest photo. I immediately jsut started crying. I know; that sounds foolish, perhaps even pathetic, but I have a million reasons to want to be a little girl again.

My dad used to love me a lot more than he does now. He still loves me, but he knows I'm at the rebellious, mischievous stage in life. The things I do, he cannot control like he used to be able to.. which is actually quite sad. And I have done things behind his back that make me feel sick when I think about it.

Some times I wonder how a slutty girl can live with herself knowing she is disappointing her father, even if he doesn't know, do they have no guilty conscious? Do they not love their fathers? I know a girl in grade 9 who just throws her body around to guys and her parents think she's the sweetest.. how can they live like that? I wouldn't know. Because, honestly, I enjoy obeying my parents. My worst fear is disappointing my father. 

I miss being a little girl, but I don't need to get stuck in the past. I need to focus on what's going on now. I just miss certain things.

My dad tucking me into bed.
My dad carrying me on his shoulders in the mall.
My dad doing my hair and nails.. Yes my dad did my hair and nails. He's more so the "mother" in my life. But my mother is a wonderful woman and I love her with all my heart.

When teens get angry they get frustrated and rebellious. "I'M MOVING OUT." Yeah right. As someone once said, do not make decisions when you're angry, and do not make promises when you are happy.

If being a slut or a smoker or a chronic drinker and partier pleases someone then FUCK GOOD FOR THEM. Unfortunately.. I'd rather keep clean and please people. "Would my past self approve of me?" "Would my dead grandparents approve of me?" Think about it.

I'm stuck in the past and it's effecting the future.